Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
