I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
