Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
