I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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