tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
