there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
