Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
