how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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