It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
