census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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