"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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