Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
