I feel like abortions should bother me more
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
