I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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