Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
