I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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