he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
