Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
