I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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