I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I could make wine with my vomit
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
