There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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