WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize