I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
