Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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