I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
