Umm I'm too high to move.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
