you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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