I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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