Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize