when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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