I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
