i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
