just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
