Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
babies were throwing up all over the place
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
