she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
