you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
