dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
