If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
