you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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