Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
