omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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