Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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