I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
