My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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