man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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