You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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