I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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