I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
