he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
