I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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