there's paper in my vomit.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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