I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
