so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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