We won't sleep together?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
