He uses pillows to masturbate.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
