Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize