I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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